By Patricia Young.
For years, I held a very poor self-image, as well as negative recurrent thoughts that stemmed from that self-image. I never saw myself as pretty enough, smart enough, interesting enough, creative enough, talented enough, brave enough, or funny enough. In my head, I was never good enough for anything. That’s how I was living my life; therefore, I always felt unfulfilled and less than everyone else. I didn’t do much to change, so I ended up staying in a dysfunctional marriage for a long time. I was settling for less than I deserved because of my self-image.
This is very common, specially for women. We live in a culture that is constantly bombarding us with messages that pressure us to live up to some romanticized ideas of what beauty is, what success means, etc. So we end up telling ourselves that we’re flawed, we’re broken, we’re not good enough, we don’t have what it takes.
We see others achieving their goals and living good lives. We compare ourselves negatively, and think: “I don’t know enough, I’m not good enough, I don’t have what it takes…” We do this for years, perhaps unaware that we have chosen these stories. Living on autopilot, we let these stories run our lives.
Rather than living in this negative feedback loop, we have to become our own best friends, and own our enoughness! No one can pursue meaningful goals when they believe they’re inadequate. So we have to learn to like ourselves, love ourselves, and believe in ourselves. And the truth is that we are all good enough. I’m here to remind you that you are more than good enough - you have always been, and you’ll always be.
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Here are 5 steps to own your enoughness:
- Tap into Self-compassion – being kind towards ourselves means that we are gentle, patient and supportive. I believe that self-compassion is directly related to our ability to cultivating higher self-esteem and being able to build resilience. One thing that has been helpful for me has been to repeat self-compassion mantras. I like this one from Dr. Kristin Neff: “May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need”.
- Change your inner conversation – pay attention to the inner chat, and the stories you tell yourself. Shifting the way we talk to ourselves makes a huge difference in how we feel about ourselves. It only takes awareness to what comes up, so we can reframe that inner story and start rewriting a new one. Get excited when you catch yourself having one of those negative self-talks, because that means that you’re becoming more aware. Repeating an affirmation like “I am enough. Every day I become more aware of my magnificence and the beauty within me” is very helpful. When I started to change my inner conversations I had notes all over the place, even on my phone, reminding me that “I AM enough”.
- Break Up with Perfectionism – Perfectionism is a joy stealer and the enemy of self-expression. Perfection does not exist and cannot be measured because it’s different for every person. Our self-worth is not related to performance results or achievements, otherwise our self-worth would fluctuate based on the outcomes, instead of being based on our innate beauty. Breaking up with perfectionism will allow you to focus on progress. You’ll know that it’s better to take imperfect action than staying stuck trying to be and make everything perfect. You’ll know that taking baby steps is the way to move forward, and you can always learn new lessons and course correct if you make a mistake.
- Ditch Comparisonitis – Comparing ourselves to others is never productive because we’ll end up judging ourselves, and others. Comparison will only drive us into a downward spiral that won’t allow us to see our greatness. By comparing ourselves to others we wouldn’t be honoring our gifts and talents. We need to seek our own meaning in life; we can’t compare our passions to someone else’s passions. We are all unique, so own and embrace your uniqueness! Learn more: 5 reasons why you need to stop comparing yourself to others
- Choose self-trust instead of self-doubt – You are living with yourself all your life, so you better learn to trust yourself. Most of us spend too much time giving power to our doubts, and feeding those thoughts that tell us that we’re not good enough, or we don’t have what it takes, or we’re too old, or we don’t know enough, etc. If we’re not aware of that little voice and the stories we tell ourselves, our confidence takes a big hit, we will definitely give in to our self-doubts, and will end up living a self-fulfilling prophecy. Use nature as the perfect example, a flower doesn’t have self-doubts, it’s not comparing itself to the flower next to it. It just blooms! See more on 5 ways to strip off self-doubt and believe in yourself.
When we own our enoughness, we stop living life from a place where we constantly feel that we need to be more of something in order to feel that we are enough. When we truly value ourselves and possess high self-worth, we participate fully in our own lives without settling for less, without shrinking to fit in, without judging ourselves or others, and without making others responsible for giving us the love, attention and approval we need. We live our lives on our own terms.
Crystal says
What a great article Patricia. I particularly love the verbiage of #4- Ditch Comparisonitis!
barbparcellswritingalife says
I think changing our internal self-talk is probably what has been the most help to me, especially when I pair it with positive affirmations!
Marie says
This kind of encouragement is so helpful when having a bad day of any kind! Passing this alone.
Rachel Kieffer says
Great post, I have embraced giving up perfectionism, had to, it really paralyzed me. I am working on letting go of comparing myself to others and be fully, authentically me.
Leila says
Awesome post.
I love Ll five tips and am sure going to practice each of them. I relate to them . Thank you Patricia.
Christy says
Oh my god, reading this I realize that I have to work more on all the steps!! This was a great article Patricia! Thanks so much for sharing this, I definitely needed it!